Posts tagged transition
101 DAY COUNTDOWN

There are 101 days left until my birthday. ⁣

I’m obsessed with my birthday by the way. ⁣

⁣It’s the one day of the year that is supposed to be about me. I’m meant to take up extra space this one 24 hour period amongst all the other hours. I’m allowed to be too much. ⁣

AND I I LOVE IT! ⁣

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THE SPACE BETWEEN MY HEAD AND MY HEART.

“WAS THERE SOMETHING OFF WITH YOUR SHOT DAY AND BLOODWORK THIS TIME AROUND?” MY DOCTOR ASKS, STARING QUIZZICALLY AT THE COMPUTER SCREEN.

My jaw clenches.

“Your numbers are quite high, when did you do your shot?” he asks again.

I start to sink into my chair, my legs feeling like lead. My shoulders curl in, I’m subconsciously attempting to get smaller. I suspected this; at our last appointment he was also concerned. We lowered my dose a little bit, I promised to eat more, gain some weight.

I FAILED.

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TESTOSTERONE MAKES ME ANGRY… BUT IN A GOOD WAY.

LAST YEAR I PUNCHED A HOLE IN THE WALL

The reason isn’t important, I know because I truly can’t remember why I did it.

I do know that never once did I punch anything before transitioning from female to male in my 30’s.

Sure I was mad, I had all sorts of really great reasons to be so furious but that’s not the point.

For me, the thing I noticed was that all the places in life that used to make me sad didn’t anymore. Instead they filled me with rage.

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THE LOVE IS THE SAME

It would be silly for me to say I’m the exact same person.

I’m not.

The world treats me differently now. And I am different because of it.

I feel more confident. I feel more free. I feel a deep down sense of me.

And yet, I also have this new set of rules and societal expectations on me.

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