FROM HIDING TO SHOWING-- WITH HAIR
I HAVE HAD MY BAD GIRL HAIRCUTS.
I tried to figure out who I was in girl form.
In that costume.
It never could fit. It was itchy and mismatched and cut off my circulation in all the wrong places.
BUT I DIDN’T EVER GET TO HAVE MY BAD HAIRCUTS AS A LITTLE BOY.
And the itch is there. It’s nipping at my heels.
I know I’ll regret it. But I’m probably going to do it anyway.
BECAUSE WE’VE ALL GOT ONE TRULY TERRIBLE HAIRCUT DON’T WE?
41 DAYS AGO I DECIDED I WAS GOING TO SHAVE MY HEAD
I had been thinking about it for months. I’d talked about it at (way too much) length with my therapist. I even wrote the damn blog post (above) explaining that It isn’t really just a hair cut, it’s a rite of passage.
41 DAYS AGO I MADE UP MY MIND
It just took me this long to actually get up the nerve to do it.
As Abe my barber counted down, clippers a buzzing, “ 3.., 2…BUZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!” I felt such peace.
Peace was not the feeling I was expecting.
I have always hidden behind my hair.
I’ve kept it crazy, or cool, or some sort of “different” for as long as I’ve had control of it.
When I transitioned to male, getting the “RIGHT” haircut in a barbershop felt like life or death.
The 45 minutes I spent sitting in the chair every 3rd Wednesday made me feel stronger right down to the marrow of my bones. Like each stroke of the straight blade against my neck marked another milestone in my coming “home” to me. Each cut marked a period of time passing. Three doses of testosterone. Three weeks closer to who I’d been trying my whole life to become.
Somewhere along the way, my hair wasn’t just this thing I hid behind anymore, it had become part of my identity.
I went from using my hair to hide who I am, to using my hair to SHOW who I am.
Until that thing most trans guys obsess over started happening.
My hair started leaving my head in alarming rates.
No, I’m not bald.
Yes, I know that no one would even notice but me.
AND I NOTICE.
Yes, I know bald is beautiful, but I currently am still not looking forward to it.
Truthfully speaking, I’m terrified of it.
So because I’m a big weirdo I leaned into that fear. I shaved my head on my terms.
Because I wanted to.
Because it’s a thing that some boys do in the summer, and I didn’t get to do it.
Because I’ve never shaved my head before.
Because I wanted to know how much being kinda bald would bother me and just how much effort (and money I should put into keeping my hair for as long as possible?
I think the answer is not much.
Turns out I don’t hate this shaved head thing.
I might even kinda dig it.
Either way I’m glad I was brave enough to find out.