Posts in Feelings
THE SPACE BETWEEN MY HEAD AND MY HEART.

“WAS THERE SOMETHING OFF WITH YOUR SHOT DAY AND BLOODWORK THIS TIME AROUND?” MY DOCTOR ASKS, STARING QUIZZICALLY AT THE COMPUTER SCREEN.

My jaw clenches.

“Your numbers are quite high, when did you do your shot?” he asks again.

I start to sink into my chair, my legs feeling like lead. My shoulders curl in, I’m subconsciously attempting to get smaller. I suspected this; at our last appointment he was also concerned. We lowered my dose a little bit, I promised to eat more, gain some weight.

I FAILED.

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TESTOSTERONE MAKES ME ANGRY… BUT IN A GOOD WAY.

LAST YEAR I PUNCHED A HOLE IN THE WALL

The reason isn’t important, I know because I truly can’t remember why I did it.

I do know that never once did I punch anything before transitioning from female to male in my 30’s.

Sure I was mad, I had all sorts of really great reasons to be so furious but that’s not the point.

For me, the thing I noticed was that all the places in life that used to make me sad didn’t anymore. Instead they filled me with rage.

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THE LOVE IS THE SAME

It would be silly for me to say I’m the exact same person.

I’m not.

The world treats me differently now. And I am different because of it.

I feel more confident. I feel more free. I feel a deep down sense of me.

And yet, I also have this new set of rules and societal expectations on me.

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LITTLE LAD

“TICKLEY TICKLEY ROUND YOUR TUMMY” she would whisper in a sing song tone as she traced her fingers across my stomach. The two of us snuggled up on her couch.

“We Yike, jeopardy, don’t we Gamma.” the 6 year old version of me would look up at her and smile.

“We sure do!” she smiled back, returning to her tickling song.

“Tickley, tickley round your tummy, if you laugh you’ll be a mummy.” her long fingers making loop da loops on my belly.

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WHEN INSTAGRAM SMACKS YOU ON A FRIDAY

Ever find yourself scrolling through the gram on a Friday afternoon loosing more minutes hiding in the bathroom avoiding work on your phone than you care to admit when all of a sudden a post smacks you in the face.

You know the smack. It’s the one of deep shame and guilt that “I’m not more evolved… “

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AT ODDS WITH ME

My body and I have been at odds for as long as I can remember.

“At odds”. 

That’s a gentle way of putting it. 

As a kid I had chronic pain. And asthma. And this thing where I would wake up in the middle of the night throwing up only to have nothing wrong with me. In the 6th grade I had my legs put in 45 degree angle casts to “fix” my leg…

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