Posts in Changes
THREE YEARS ON TESTOSTERONE... WHAT'S CHANGED

3 years ago this weekend I started hormone replacement therapy.

This is what I looked like then.

At the time I assured everyone that I wouldn't change. I'd still be the same me. My outside would just match my inside now.

I believed that to be true. I'm sure all of us do. Or maybe other transfolks do stay the exact same, or expected to change. I can't speak for them, but I can tell you, I'm a new person.

How can I not be.

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THE SPACE BETWEEN MY HEAD AND MY HEART.

“WAS THERE SOMETHING OFF WITH YOUR SHOT DAY AND BLOODWORK THIS TIME AROUND?” MY DOCTOR ASKS, STARING QUIZZICALLY AT THE COMPUTER SCREEN.

My jaw clenches.

“Your numbers are quite high, when did you do your shot?” he asks again.

I start to sink into my chair, my legs feeling like lead. My shoulders curl in, I’m subconsciously attempting to get smaller. I suspected this; at our last appointment he was also concerned. We lowered my dose a little bit, I promised to eat more, gain some weight.

I FAILED.

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IS THERE A SECRET QUEER HANDSHAKE I DON'T KNOW ABOUT?

The Bahamas is the first place I’ve been in a long time where I wasn’t visibly out as trans. 

Yes, I was shirtless with top surgery scars, but as I said in my instagram post last week, I was really the only person concerned with those it seemed.  Instead I was just this guy, who had some sort of accident or surgery or something. Maybe a guy who got the very shitty luck of breast cancer who knows.  

But literally in a conversation with this amazing awesome Lesbian couple who was there on their honeymoon, they told me, “Oh I don’t know why, we just didn’t put two and two together, I didn’t know you were trans” 

THIS BLEW MY MIND

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SWIMMING AFTER TOP SURGERY AND POST OP DEPRESSION

I went into the worst depression of my life after having top surgery this past October.

It’s not something I talk about a lot.  Because admitting I was severely depressed is hard for me. Fitting the media stereotype of the struggling sad trans person is hard for me.

The Secret is this though.

The hard years, the hard weeks, the hard days, they don’t take away from my story.

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TESTOSTERONE MAKES ME ANGRY… BUT IN A GOOD WAY.

LAST YEAR I PUNCHED A HOLE IN THE WALL

The reason isn’t important, I know because I truly can’t remember why I did it.

I do know that never once did I punch anything before transitioning from female to male in my 30’s.

Sure I was mad, I had all sorts of really great reasons to be so furious but that’s not the point.

For me, the thing I noticed was that all the places in life that used to make me sad didn’t anymore. Instead they filled me with rage.

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FROM HIDING TO SHOWING-- WITH HAIR

41 DAYS AGO I DECIDED I WAS GOING TO SHAVE MY HEAD

I had been thinking about it for months. I’d talked about it at (way too much) length with my therapist. I even wrote the damn blog post explaining that It isn’t really just a hair cut, it’s a rite of passage.

41 DAYS AGO I MADE UP MY MIND

It just took me this long to actually get up the nerve to do it.

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THE LOVE IS THE SAME

It would be silly for me to say I’m the exact same person.

I’m not.

The world treats me differently now. And I am different because of it.

I feel more confident. I feel more free. I feel a deep down sense of me.

And yet, I also have this new set of rules and societal expectations on me.

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