Posts in BEAUTIFUL MESS
THE SPACE BETWEEN MY HEAD AND MY HEART.

“WAS THERE SOMETHING OFF WITH YOUR SHOT DAY AND BLOODWORK THIS TIME AROUND?” MY DOCTOR ASKS, STARING QUIZZICALLY AT THE COMPUTER SCREEN.

My jaw clenches.

“Your numbers are quite high, when did you do your shot?” he asks again.

I start to sink into my chair, my legs feeling like lead. My shoulders curl in, I’m subconsciously attempting to get smaller. I suspected this; at our last appointment he was also concerned. We lowered my dose a little bit, I promised to eat more, gain some weight.

I FAILED.

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THE LEAST ROMANTIC ANNIVERSARY POST EVER

I’ve been in a low grade agitated state of panic since I woke up this morning.

Why? Because it’s our wedding anniversary.

And tradition states that I have to write a very romantic post about it. I can write all sorts of romantic things, if I have to. All of those things are true.

But that’s only one half of the story.

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MOSTLY I FEEL GRATEFUL | THE GOTTMAN'S ON INSTAGRAM

I felt grateful that my big, beautiful, queer family gets to show all sorts of people a different way to live, and love, and thrive in the world. We get to show all sorts of people that they can be whoever they are and find love.

It shows trans kids, folks, their partners, their parents and their friends that they aren’t alone, they aren’t broken, they can and will be loved, and not just crappy settling for someone kind of love, but the BIG WONDERFUL BADASS KIND OF LOVE!

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SWIMMING AFTER TOP SURGERY AND POST OP DEPRESSION

I went into the worst depression of my life after having top surgery this past October.

It’s not something I talk about a lot.  Because admitting I was severely depressed is hard for me. Fitting the media stereotype of the struggling sad trans person is hard for me.

The Secret is this though.

The hard years, the hard weeks, the hard days, they don’t take away from my story.

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LITTLE LAD

“TICKLEY TICKLEY ROUND YOUR TUMMY” she would whisper in a sing song tone as she traced her fingers across my stomach. The two of us snuggled up on her couch.

“We Yike, jeopardy, don’t we Gamma.” the 6 year old version of me would look up at her and smile.

“We sure do!” she smiled back, returning to her tickling song.

“Tickley, tickley round your tummy, if you laugh you’ll be a mummy.” her long fingers making loop da loops on my belly.

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GRANDMA WANTED.

A friend of mine recently welcomed a new baby into their world.

They are in their 40’s and it’s their first. They are Ivy League educated, have thriving careers and are all around wonderfully, delightful, amazing humans! They come from a different world than me though. They went to all the right schools, learned all the right skills, have all the right pedigrees.

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