101 DAY COUNTDOWN
There are 101 days left until my birthday.
I’m obsessed with my birthday by the way.
It’s the one day of the year that is supposed to be about me. I’m meant to take up extra space this one 24 hour period amongst all the other hours. I’m allowed to be too much.
AND I I LOVE IT!
As always though, here’s the complicated part.
I actually hate getting older.
I have a strange and intense fear of dying. I want to live forever and ever and never miss anything!!! But I don’t think that’s at the root of my aging hate/fear. If I’m being honest I don’t know that I really know exactly what is.
Is it because I feel panicked that life is passing and I’m not accomplishing all the things I thought I would? I don’t even own a cottage for Pete’s sake and I very clearly remember my declaration of “OWNING A COTTAGE” in the paper I wrote for my grade eight graduation about my would-be-life in 2020.
Is it because with every year that passed, I was grieving the loss of another year as the man I knew, deep down, I was— but couldn’t see.
Or is it because I only give myself this one day of the year to be selfish and too much and so I’m all clutchy and weird and panicked about it?
Or maybe a combination of them all, with a little sprinkle of who the hell knows on top for extra character.
I don’t know why, I have feared getting older until now.
But I do know that this year I’m looking forward to more than just squeezing the nectar from one 24 hour period.
I’m looking forward to feeling alive in my own body, for both the good and bad moments. Hopefully more good.
I’m looking forward to celebrating all the little victories, all the things that go right, instead of focusing only on the things that go wrong.
And I’m looking forward to trusting my inner knowing. After years of telling myself that I didn’t know best, that I was the one who was wrong about who I was, I am retraining myself to know that actually I know me pretty well.