“And now what?” I wonder sometimes.

“Is this it? Am I here? Did I do the thing? Am I happy?” I think so.

As happy as most anyway. 

But is happy even really the point? 

Or maybe the point is to feel it all... the highs and the lows, the joys and the sorrow, the passion and the boredom of everyday life. .. I know that life before wasn’t bad.

Being trans for me doesn’t mean hating my life pre transition. 

So much of it I loved, but so much of my life pre transition I kept myself numb, frozen, turned off. I don’t think I let myself feel all the lows of moving through the world in a suit that didn’t fit, which meant I also didn’t feel just how beautiful and glorious all the highs were either.

To an extent I don’t know how much of that has changed through transition.

I think I still keep more of myself and my feels more bottled up than is best for me.

But I’m ready to make a change.

I’m ready to figure out how to feel all the feels cause isn’t what this life is about? Or maybe I’m just one of those always searching kinda folks?

I guess we’re gonna find out! 


Don’t worry guys. I’m not silly enough to feel all the feels without the help of my very fave therapist on the planet :) you should get one too if you can :)