AT ODDS WITH ME

MY BODY AND I HAVE BEEN AT ODDS AS LONG AS I CAN REMEMBER 

“At odds”. 


That’s a gentle way of putting it. 

As a kid I had chronic pain. And asthma. And this thing where I would wake up in the middle of the night throwing up only to have nothing wrong with me. In the 6th grade I had my legs put in 45 degree angle casts to “fix” my leg.

When I had my babies I was go to the hospital because you weigh 112 lbs while pregnant kinda “morning sickness”

When I had my first baby I almost bled to death with a hemorrhage. 

As an adult I still suffer from back pain, and migraines on a regular basis, matched with wild cases of vertigo from time to time. 

THEN THERE’S THIS OTHER PAIN.

The pain from looking in the mirror and having your reality and your soul not line up. 

The pain that comes every time someone makes a small dick joke, or comments about what makes a man, or a good partner or lover and it being something that I knowingly lack. 

The way I feel allergic to my own skin.

How ripping it off feels like the only way to relief on some days.

How the sadness stops me from leaving my bed sometimes.

The heartbreak of doing all the right things to prepare for top surgery, waiting years for my turn, endless push ups and pull ups and all the good vibes only leading to results that make me want to hide my chest and take away my hope to just fit in. 

All this heartache, all this tension between who I am and how my body is here in the world is palpable for me in every moment.  The good moments, the funny moments, the joyful moments not just the sad ones.

I’ve recently decided (::cough cough:: ahem @yanpalmer) that these two types of pain are quite possibly connected. 

THIS HEARTACHE IS HOLDING ME BACK

I’m ready to start doing something about it. 

This photograph made by Yan Palmer is my own touchstone to that healing.  

IMAGE BY  YAN PALMER

IMAGE BY YAN PALMER

THIS IMAGE REPRESENTS THIS BODY THAT I”M TRAPPED IN & MY DESIRE TO MAKE IT HOME.

It represents all the pain and struggle and heartache.

It represents all the love and beauty this body has given me even though I struggle to see it. 

It represents the struggle to break free of all the pain and fight to stay in the light.

It’s time to stop saying everything is fine and make it fine.

It’s time to believe that I am lovable. That I deserve to take up the same space and have the same experiences as anyone else. That I am worthy of spending a fun family day at the beach with the sun on my back and my kids in my arms. And I deserve to do it full of joy instead of pain and fear.

It’s time to bring my mean thoughts about me out of the shadows of my inner talk.  Its time to let go of who and what I think my body should be, deserved to be and learn to love who and what I am. 

IT’S TIME TO HEAL MY RELATIONSHIP WITH MY BODY

YOU’RE WELCOME TO JOIN ME.

p.s. does anyone know how?