THREE YEARS ON TESTOSTERONE... WHAT'S CHANGED

3 years ago this weekend I started hormone replacement therapy.

This is what I looked like then.

At the time I assured everyone that I wouldn't change. I'd still be the same me. My outside would just match my inside now.

I believed that to be true. I'm sure all of us do. Or maybe other transfolks do stay the exact same, or expected to change. I can't speak for them, but I can tell you, I'm a new person.

How can I not be.

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ONE STEP FORWARD, TWO STEPS BACK.

Today I woke up to an email from my top surgeon’s admin queen (she really has been the best) telling me that unfortunately I'm 68th on the list, and that there is no ballpark estimate in the next 18 months for my top surgery revision.

That the original fall/early winter timeline my surgeon gave me back in the spring is no more.

That I should go on with my life (with no plans for a revision right now) "as is" and that she'll let me know when I get closer to the top of the list. 

She told me there had been an influx of patients more important than me. 

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Nick North
IT'S HAPPENING!

TELLING KATHERINE THAT I WAS TRANS WAS THE EASIEST PART

The truth is that without her, the steadiness and fierceness of her love, I don’t know that I would have found myself. I was way more afraid to admit my transgender identity to myself.

Who would I become. How would I change? Who would I lose?

Everyone, I was sure.

It turns out that life just got better.

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THE SPACE BETWEEN MY HEAD AND MY HEART.

“WAS THERE SOMETHING OFF WITH YOUR SHOT DAY AND BLOODWORK THIS TIME AROUND?” MY DOCTOR ASKS, STARING QUIZZICALLY AT THE COMPUTER SCREEN.

My jaw clenches.

“Your numbers are quite high, when did you do your shot?” he asks again.

I start to sink into my chair, my legs feeling like lead. My shoulders curl in, I’m subconsciously attempting to get smaller. I suspected this; at our last appointment he was also concerned. We lowered my dose a little bit, I promised to eat more, gain some weight.

I FAILED.

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SHE DIDN'T HUG ME, ON HER FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL AND IT'S OKAY.

This image was my goodbye.

At first I was indignant! Here I am! Let me celebrate you dammit!!!!

I looked again, swallowed the lump, and waved. She waved back, a smile filled her face, and an ease came over her body. I remember this feeling. In so many ways she is me, she is mine. Being here in this universe with her people is her happy place. She’s safely in her extroverted social butterfly orbit.

I remember these moments like they were yesterday. Sometimes I wish I could do them all over again; or at least remember them better.

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HOW DO YOU CO PARENT WHEN YOUR PARTNER HAS ALL OF THESE OPINIONS?

CO PARENTING IS HARD!

Why did no one say?You’ll be more frustrated about this than almost anything else in your relationship. But remember to hear each other, really listen, past the fear, and to the value you are trying to teach, focus on that rather than the very specific path you think you should take to get there and you’ll be okay”

Nope just some BS about “how the days are long but the years are short.”

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IS THERE A SECRET QUEER HANDSHAKE I DON'T KNOW ABOUT?

The Bahamas is the first place I’ve been in a long time where I wasn’t visibly out as trans. 

Yes, I was shirtless with top surgery scars, but as I said in my instagram post last week, I was really the only person concerned with those it seemed.  Instead I was just this guy, who had some sort of accident or surgery or something. Maybe a guy who got the very shitty luck of breast cancer who knows.  

But literally in a conversation with this amazing awesome Lesbian couple who was there on their honeymoon, they told me, “Oh I don’t know why, we just didn’t put two and two together, I didn’t know you were trans” 

THIS BLEW MY MIND

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WHY PRONOUNS MATTER AND TIPS TO STOP SCREWING UP

It’s the worst feeling isn’t it.

You love someone, you see their true self, you respect them and want to show them just how much you’ve got their back and then you drop the bomb. You’ve been so concerned with getting it right and loving them that you actually screw up huge and use the wrong pronoun. It’s all you can hear, it’s all the beautiful transgender person you’re talking to can hear, it echoes like you’re trapped alone in a cave and every whisper is heard.

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THE LEAST ROMANTIC ANNIVERSARY POST EVER

I’ve been in a low grade agitated state of panic since I woke up this morning.

Why? Because it’s our wedding anniversary.

And tradition states that I have to write a very romantic post about it. I can write all sorts of romantic things, if I have to. All of those things are true.

But that’s only one half of the story.

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PARENTS, LISTEN UP! WE NEED VACATIONS TOO!

PARENTS NEED VACATIONS

This is our mantra while Katherine and I sneak away childless for 4 nights in the Bahamas.

“But didn’t you just GET back from vacation?!?” I can hear you ask quizzically. 

No miggy figgys!!!

No, I did not just get back from a vacation, I just got back from a trip! With my kids. Where we do all of the same crap like laundry, and cooking, and fighting over screen time, and bedtimes and all of it, but we do it in a new, more challenging place, without any of our creature comforts!  

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WHAT DOES A FULL LIFE FEEL LIKE? OVERWHELM OF COURSE

The state of my “cloffice” (closet-office hybrid) is a direct match for the state on my inner world.

One look at my desk and you’ll know where in the scale of overwhelm/somethings going on, I am. Right now I’m at about an 7/10. My Cloffice is creeping up to an 8.

But before everyone freaks out and checks in on me, asking if I’m okay and how they can help, know that it’s not always bad to be high up there on the scale. Sometimes being at a 7, 8 or even 9 just means we are living a big, full sometimes stressful life. Because that’s how we grow. That’s how we change, that’s how we make our dreams come true.

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JUST ANOTHER BEAUTIFUL FAMILY FILM FESTIVAL PREMIER!

I never expected to put filmmaker on my resume.


In fact when @declaredominion told me that she wanted to actually go ahead with the crazy plan of submitting us for a STORYHIVE 50k Short Documentary Grant, with this idea of telling the beauty of our perfectly ordinary suburban family, I flat out said, “No!”

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MOSTLY I FEEL GRATEFUL | THE GOTTMAN'S ON INSTAGRAM

I felt grateful that my big, beautiful, queer family gets to show all sorts of people a different way to live, and love, and thrive in the world. We get to show all sorts of people that they can be whoever they are and find love.

It shows trans kids, folks, their partners, their parents and their friends that they aren’t alone, they aren’t broken, they can and will be loved, and not just crappy settling for someone kind of love, but the BIG WONDERFUL BADASS KIND OF LOVE!

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SWIMMING AFTER TOP SURGERY AND POST OP DEPRESSION

I went into the worst depression of my life after having top surgery this past October.

It’s not something I talk about a lot.  Because admitting I was severely depressed is hard for me. Fitting the media stereotype of the struggling sad trans person is hard for me.

The Secret is this though.

The hard years, the hard weeks, the hard days, they don’t take away from my story.

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TESTOSTERONE MAKES ME ANGRY… BUT IN A GOOD WAY.

LAST YEAR I PUNCHED A HOLE IN THE WALL

The reason isn’t important, I know because I truly can’t remember why I did it.

I do know that never once did I punch anything before transitioning from female to male in my 30’s.

Sure I was mad, I had all sorts of really great reasons to be so furious but that’s not the point.

For me, the thing I noticed was that all the places in life that used to make me sad didn’t anymore. Instead they filled me with rage.

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FROM HIDING TO SHOWING-- WITH HAIR

41 DAYS AGO I DECIDED I WAS GOING TO SHAVE MY HEAD

I had been thinking about it for months. I’d talked about it at (way too much) length with my therapist. I even wrote the damn blog post explaining that It isn’t really just a hair cut, it’s a rite of passage.

41 DAYS AGO I MADE UP MY MIND

It just took me this long to actually get up the nerve to do it.

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MONEY IS POWER

I just finished a podcast interview about branding, pricing, and feminism.

It’s what I talk about most days in my business and let’s face it everywhere else. This surprises a lot of my clients. Somehow they think we can talk about their business and it’s success or failure without actually looking at the money part of the business. Here’s the thing though, most of my clients are women, and many women feel such intense shame around how uncomfortable, awkward and just straight up terrified they feel with money, with pricing themselves, with asking for their worth.

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